Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
