So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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