it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
