just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
