Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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