The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
