i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
we're making bets on your personal life
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
