still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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