i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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