i need an iv and a liver transplant
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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