He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
