I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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