Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
