Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
