moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
