Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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