he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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