Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
