When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
