he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
