I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
