I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
