this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
