Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
