The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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