We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
