I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
time to smoke my breakfast
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
