I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
