i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
