you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
