So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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