ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
