I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
