All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
