i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
