great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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