this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Drake has all the answers
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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