Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
