i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Randomize
