There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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