My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
