My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
