in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
