final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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