I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
