They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
