I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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