I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
you inspire me to be a worse person
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
