Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
