my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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